Victory

Before my King, and on one knee

He lays his hands upon my head

His sacred power He invests in me

To fight for souls both quick and dead

I humbly rise before my King

And march to battle with the foe

My loving praises I will sing

Because with me He boldly goes

My commission as His knight

To rescue every precious soul

Causes devotion to the right

And lends me help to fill my role

Before the battle to Him I vow,

“Every command will I keep”

That greater  strength  may be endowed,

He gives me orders: “Feed my sheep”

Though when marching through the gate

My head was high, I did stand tall

Now in darkness, it grows late

I am wounded and I’ve fall’n

Bleak is the battle, weary my heart

When my Captain comes to me

He beckons me to do my part

That His salvation I may see

So rising with love and desire

Forgetting not His loving eyes

I lead the hosts in songs of fire

“Onward soldiers, for the Christ”

Amidst the battle, dark and fierce

I trail my Captain into the night

And through His love, the dark He pierced

Gives its place to glorious light

So losing self, I charge the foe

Guiding others to the light of day

I raise the hands that do hang low

I strengthen the knees that might give way

The ranks move forward, the darkness flees

Through our King the victory’s won

And thus shall every battle be

If we but follow the shining Son

Written By: Jamie Panganiban

Returned Missionary

"Blogging? No way, not for me! Only weird people blog."

That is kind of what I thought when I got home four months ago and Joanie suggested that I start a blog. I was a little quick to judge and hope all other boggers will forgive me for my rash judgements. haha. So I am not sure of the rules about what I am supposed to write and what I am not supposed to write, but I just figure I would write about the experiences of my life and the lessons the Lord is teaching me through them all. I am hoping that only those close to me will be reading this, since I am not a believer in getting to know people over the internet, through Facebook stalking, and/or via texting. ha I also apologize if my grammar or writing style is goofy:)

So the stories are true. Coming home from a two year mission is hard. Two years of thinking about other people and then all of a sudden you are forced to think about "my education, my dating prospects, my job, my future, my this and my that." As I think about these things, I start to feel guilty because inside, I know that true happiness lies in looking outside yourself to bless others. It is also true that hardly anything goes according to the picture-perfect plans you formulated in your mind as a seasoned, hopeful missionary. All the non-member friends and family you were planning on converting, all the girls that were going to be lining up to date you, and all of the White Handbook rules and curfews you were going to keep for the rest of your life all seem to have gone out the window and again, you feel guilty for not measuring up to your own preconceived standards.

The funny thing is, that when I first got home, things were great. I had a pretty girl interested in me, a job lined up in Provo, and admission to a great university. It seemed that my post-missionary blues syndrome would strike until later. Once I got up to Provo, however, that false sense of security melted like a Popsicle left out in the St. George sun. First, the girl I thought I was going to date, didn't quite work out and now after getting together and breaking up 943(give or take haha) times, a move down to St. George, and some considerable heartache, we have unfortunately ended things for good. Alex is one of the best friends I have ever had and is an amazing person. I truly pray that she gets everything she desires in her life. She has taught me a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship. School was great! Very challenging, and I like it. BYU has a great atmosphere for learning and growing. My job on the other hand, was not exactly what I was expecting to say the least. I actually enjoyed the job itself. I was able to use Japanese and it was chill enough to do my homework most of the time. The problem was that I was forced to work from 4-10 pm every day, thereby eliminating any chance for a social life. It also made it hard to to fulfill my calling as a FHE group leader and home teacher. It wasn't that I felt overwhelmed, as much as that I felt too unbalanced. I believe in working hard and in getting things done, but I have also learned that without an appropriate balance between work and play, life isn't how it is supposed to be. This once again caused that nagging, little ache in my soul called guilt.

I have felt something through all of this though. It has been constant and sure as I have dealt with girlfriends, dating, and breakups; uncertainty about  careers, degrees, and grades; and stress about paychecks, up-sales, and getting someone to cover my shift on Friday night so I can escape from the desolate, social wasteland of my life in Provo to a loving family and welcoming friends in St. George. That one feeling is that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and that they have a wondrous and glorious future prepared for me despite the uncertainty of the present. That although I am not a perfect home teacher and although I don't have a girlfriend, and although I haven't figured out how to be "exactly obedient" to all of the White Handbook rules outside of the mission yet, and that is the key word: yet, if I trust in them, find joy in the journey, and keep trying my best to improve my life to be more like the Savior's, Christ will take my weaknesses, guilt,heartaches and turn them into strengths, peace, and magnificent joy. I know that with all my heart. I know God understands us and is merciful and kind and wants us to be successful and happy and will provide a way for us to be so if we just take whatever comes into our life and love it. Not because it's hard, but because we know God lives and loves us and because we have a choice in our happiness. God doesn't care that we are not perfect yet, He just cares that we are striving for that perfection. I know that through Christ's merciful grace, we will one day be able to become like Him. We can daily use the power of His atonement and allow Him to shape our lives into something beautiful. There is so much in life to be grateful for. Life is sometimes hard, but it can always be good. Because of that incredible, sure doctrine there is still hope for all of the returned missionaries like me who didn't even come close to becoming perfect on their missions.