Running Races and Seeing Blind

"If you don't get a good internship the summer after your junior year, your chances of having a successful career in business are really low." When I heard my finance professor, someone I really respect, say this one day in class, my heart sunk. It was already March and I still didn't have any significant leads or interests in any particular internship. The uncertainty about my summer plans and my future was really causing me angst. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I want to be successful in my career, and at this point, I wouldn’t accept any other outcome in my life than to be a successful, well-known businessman who had built impactful, well-respected companies through my own hard work, intellect, and flare with people. Any other outcome would be of little value to me (Pretty arrogant, I know). But despite my diligent efforts, I couldn't seem to nail down what path I really wanted to take. Throughout the semester, I had discovered a lot about myself and what type of work I like to do, but no matter what opportunity I was considering, I couldn't quite feel right about it. Some of you reading this may be thinking, "You're not going to find your dream job as a college student looking for an internship. Just pick something and get some experience." I knew this, but it didn’t feel that simple. I didn't feel right about pursuing any of the opportunities in front of me.

Then one day, when I was speaking to one of my good friends about my unplanned summer, I ended up expressing my desire to just try and start a business of my own. As we talked about some of the things I could do, I started getting that feeling I get when I know I'm pursuing something good for me. I latched on to that feeling and decided to try to start a business this summer. The decision surprised me because it wasn’t a conventional thing for someone like me to do. It didn't follow the "get a big firm's name on your resume" approach to starting a career, even though I had quit a job I loved at the MTC to follow that approach. This both excited me and terrified me. What if I failed and ended up not doing anything meaningful this summer? What if I get pegged as someone unwilling to leave Provo/Utah? What if I end up as one of the statistics I'm always reading about: graduating and earning less than $25,000 a year in a job that doesn't even require a degree? What would my strategy classmates think of me? What if this decision doesn't lead to a job after graduation and I end up doing something lame and ruining my chances of going to a top business school? Or worse, what if I end up poor and my future wife and children are deprived of a good lifestyle because I can't provide for them?

A little melodramatic, I know.

It's a little embarrassing to confess, but these really were some of the thoughts and concerns I had as I scrambled to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Most of what I was feeling was irrational and pretty silly when considered in the context of life's big picture. Yet, it's really how I was feeling. Facing these fears of mine, however, did give me an opportunity to look to God for guidance and perspective. Doing so has brought an immense amount of peace, direction, and confidence into my life.

Lesson 1: Whose race are you running?

As I have tried to gain perspective on the decisions I’m trying to make, I've tried to focus my scripture study on the life of Christ. Because He is "the way, the truth and the light," I figured I should try and understand what Christ would be considering were He in my situation. As I’ve been studying His life more closely, it overwhelms me how little Christ cared about the honors of men. Despite being the Savior of the world, with the ability to do and accomplish anything, He chose to be a humble servant to His brothers and sisters, foregoing worldly honors and positions. One morning, as I considered Christ's example and felt a desire to just be a good person regardless of what I ended up doing, a cynical thought came into my mind: "It's cool that Christ just spent His life serving others and being kind, but don't you know, 'Nice guys finish last.'" As soon as I thought this, another voice in my mind responded, "That depends on whose race you're running."

That thought really impacted me. I started asking myself, "Whose race am I running?" It has become an incredibly important question to me over the last couple of months. I learned in Accounting 200 that what you measure is what you get in results. If I wanted the best results, I needed to find the metrics that would lead me to those results. This question has helped me realize that there are two competing sets of metrics I can measure myself against: The Lord's and the world's. I've also learned that I have to choose. I can't say that I want my success to be measured against the Lord's metrics while still worrying about how I'm doing against the world's. This realization has helped me to understand this scripture more completely: "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon" (Matt. 6:24). The world looks at a person's wealth, position, prominence, property, and fame to determine what type of success he or she is. In contrast, the Lord established love, obedience, service, kindness, sacrifice, humility, and other Godly attributes as His standard for success. So, although "nice guys" might finish last in the world's race, in God's race "the last shall be first" (Matt 20:16).

I need to be clear, though. Just because a person has wealth, prominence, and high position, does not mean that they have chosen to be measured against the world's definition of success. I know there are many well-known, wealthy people that clearly choose to measure their life against what God values rather than what the world values. Interestingly, the more I studied the scriptures about this subject, the more I learned that measuring our lives against the Lord's metrics often brings temporal prosperity (e.g Mosiah 2:41; Jacob 2:18-19). Therefore, it’s not the possessing of worldly goods and honors that is looked down upon by God, it's the treasuring of such things that brings God's disapproval, for "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" (Matt. 6:21). What I've learned is that people that are successful in God's eyes may or may not have lots of temporal blessings, but they never define their success by those things; rather, they measure their success by how closely they are following the Savior's example. Ezra Taft Benson taught about this measurement of success: "That man or woman is most truly successful whose life most closely parallels that of the [Savior]…The best measure of true greatness is how Christlike we are."

Understanding that I have the option of running two different races has brought clarity to all of the decisions I am making. Although it would be nice to start and lead an amazingly successful company, make lots of money, and then use that money to create lots of organizations, businesses, etc… that add value to the people of the world, it’s nice to know that my success in life is not tied to those metrics. It’s nice to know that if I’m doing my best to be a good friend, brother, son, husband, father, and disciple of Christ, that my life can be truly successful in the eyes of God. And it’s nice to know that as long as my life is pleasing to God, I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s opinion about how successful I am.

I’ve often heard stories of people that do things like leave a high-stakes business meeting right in the middle because they promised their son they would be at their little league game. I have to be honest, I’ve wondered at times how they had the gumption to do that. I think I understand now. They were running a different race, they were living according to different metrics. As I’ve pondered about this concept, it’s become clear that for me, and for God, even more important than being CEO, Stanford business grad, or the guy on the cover page of Success magazine is being a good husband, father, son, and friend. More important than getting the promotion is promoting kindness and generosity. More important than prestige and wealth is being humble and “poor in spirit” (Matt. 5:3). More important than being the best is giving my best to God and my fellow travelers on earth. The things of this world may or may not come to me, but one thing is certain, no earthly thing I receive will last forever. Only the relationships I create and my own character—the way I treat others, the devotion I have to a worthy cause, the service I give to my fellowmen—will remain a part of me during and after this life. Every other earthly circumstance is temporary.

Lesson 2: Faith is Blindness

Another thing I am learning is that faith equals blindness. Not blindness in the physical sense, but blindness in the sense of being unable to see and control everything in my life. The scriptures seem to be pretty clear on this:

“For we walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor. 5:7).

“If ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true” (Alma 32:21).

“Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith” (Ether 12:6).

As I’ve tried to figure out what I should do with my life, I’ve become frustrated at times when I felt that God wasn’t helping very much. That feeling was obviously a fallacious one since God is ever watchful over us and guides and blesses us in ways we often don’t recognize. However, my fallacious thinking did lead me to learn this important lesson: If you want to have true faith in Christ, you have to give up trying to see and control everything in your life; you have to learn to trust that God has a plan for you and loves you too much to ever forsake you. You must learn to be comfortable “not knowing beforehand the things which [you] should do” but going forth anyway. In other words, you must learn to be comfortable being blind. But this type of blindness does not eliminate all sight; rather, it narrows our sight to focus solely on the Savior, assuring us that He is the Captain of our ship and will guide us safely to our own promised land. Some may interpret that as giving up our own dreams and ambitions. I disagree. Instead, it’s freeing yourself to reach your greatest potential. Like Elder Neal A. Maxwell said of allowing our wills to be swallowed up by God’s, “It is not a question of one’s losing identity but of finding his true identity!” President Ezra Taft Benson added his witness of this principle:

“Yes, men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace.”

Recognizing the immense blessings that come from the blindness of faith has awakened a deep desire to know how I can turn my life over to the Savior. I’m definitely not perfect at it, but I’ve found that as I seek to “lose [myself]” for Christ’s sake, He truly does bless me to “find [myself]” (Matthew 10:39). This truth has helped me recognize that although my career and financial success is important in some ways, the ability to press forward with a desire to do God’s will, even when I can’t see the way ahead, is infinitely more important to Him than what position I hold in a corporation or what business I build. I believe that most useful to God are those willing to move, act and serve without needing to see the end result of all their actions. They can do that because they know that God will care for them as they seek to honor His name. I truly hope to become that type of man. 

Lesson 3: Faith must be in Christ

Learning more about blindness associated with exercising true faith has opened my eyes to a theological fallacy I sometimes find myself falling into. It is that of focusing my faith on results rather than on Jesus Christ. I’ve often thought it difficult to know which type of faith we should seek to exercise since it seems to me that we are often taught about two different types: 1). Faith to “make things happen” and 2). As Elder Bednar taught, “faith not to be healed,” or in other words, faith to humbly accept things when they don’t work out like we hoped. These two types of faith have seemed paradoxical to me. Do I seek to have so much faith that I am able to shape my own destiny and circumstances? Or do I seek to have enough faith to simply accept God’s will, being fine with whatever happens. To me, the first type of faith seems to disregard God’s will and puts one’s trust in the arm of the flesh. The second type seems to be too capitulating or apathetic, as if we shouldn’t try since God will just do whatever He wants, anyway. On top of that, I sometimes worry that trying to have faith to “make things happen” will lead me to being un-submissive, obstinate, and proud. But I also worry that being too accepting will lead me to fail to sufficiently act, thereby causing me to miss out on blessings I otherwise could have brought about with the Lord’s help.

The scriptures seems to have examples of both types of faith. Nephi, the Brother of Jared, Ammon, Jacob (Israel), Joshua, Elijah, and many others exercised tenacious faith and brought about incredible miracles that blessed many people. No less impressive, however, are those that endured intense suffering with continual faith and patience: Job, Jeremiah, Abinadi, Alma and Amulek watching the believers being burned, the people of Ammon being slaughtered because of their faith, and the list could go on. Considering all these examples has often had me asking, “How do I know when to have which type of faith?”

The problem with this question and this way of thinking is that it is focused on results—do I have faith that God will grant me the desires of my heart if I work hard enough? or do I have faith to accept that God will do with me what He wants, and I just need to accept that? The problem with focusing on results is that the results will often vary. Sometimes it seems God wants us to be on the move, causing things we desire to happen through our divinely empowered actions. Other times, it seems he would have us “be still and know that [He] is God,” accepting His will, even if it’s hard (Psalms 46:10). This makes it difficult to have consistent, strong faith because we don’t know which outcome to hope and work for.

 But the confusion comes from looking beyond the mark and failing to focus on Christ. In the scriptures, it is clear that both those who accomplished great miracles and those who humbly accepted difficult circumstances “first believed in the Son of God” (Ether 12:18). When belief in Christ becomes central to our faith, there is no longer a dichotomy between the two types of faith. They simply become one faith in Christ.  

To describe what I mean, I will use an example that has often confused me but has now become clearer with a better understanding of this principle. Imagine you really want to make the sports team or get that internship or get an “A” in the class in which you don’t have a lot of natural talent. When you’re focused on results, you might think something like this: 1). “I’m going to work so hard and prepare so much that there is no way God won’t help me get the job or make the team, etc…,” or 2). “God just didn’t give me as much talent as other people in this area so I guess that just means I need to accept and be grateful for what He gives me.” Clearly, there are merits to both of these types of thinking, but I think a better approach may be something like this: “I really want to make the team, etc… and I absolutely believe that God can grant me the strength, intellect, and endurance I need to accomplish my goal. So as long as I don’t feel Him trying to stop me from pursuing this objective, I’m going to go after it with all I have. However, if things don’t work out the way I would like them to, I will believe that Christ loves me and has a wise purpose in all things, and I am willing to accept His will in this matter. I will try to learn what He would have me learn from this experience.” In other words, we assert our belief in Christ’s power to help us accomplish things that would otherwise be impossible or go unaccomplished, and we show willingness to put forth our best efforts to bring about the desired blessing. Simultaneously, we express our trust in God’s wisdom and are ready submit to His will if the end outcome is different than we desire, acknowledging that He will never forsake us and that he “doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of [us]” (2 Nephi 26:24).

With this mindset, Christ— His power, wisdom, and love for us— becomes the common thread in all that we do and in all that we experience. When our faith is centered on the Savior, our best, consistent efforts are no longer to obtain a specific result; it is to show our faith in Christ’s power to help us achieve. Additionally, our acceptance of God’s will, even when it is contrary to our own, is not shoulder-shrugging submission; it is an active expression of trust in Christ’s wisdom, mercy, and love for us. Indeed, with our faith fixed on Jesus, we are finally able to “look unto [Him] in every thought. Doubt not. Fear not” (D&C 6:36).

With the complexity of life’s changing circumstances and the quintessential need to know and do God’s will, it has become increasingly clear why God directs us to “counsel with the Lord in all thy doings” (Alma 37:37). Doing so invites the Holy Ghost into our lives with the promise that “he will direct thee for good” and “shall teach you all things” (Alma 37:37; John 14:26). This certainly includes teaching us how to focus our faith on Christ as we pursue our dreams, goals, and discipleship. I have found that when I sincerely wish to know and do God’s will, God will not allow me to miss out on blessings, either by exercising too little faith or taking too much control of my life, without warning me first. He wants to bless us, and He will help us know what is required of us as we counsel with Him.

Placing Christ at the center of my faith has helped me relinquish my fears of pursuing the “wrong” path in my life because my faith in Christ’s love assures me that He will not allow me to go astray. It has helped me know how to exercise faith to accomplish my biggest life dreams while still being open to the unforeseen paths God has prepared for me. It has diminished my fear of failure because I know that God will either help me succeed or teach me important, redeeming lessons through my falling short. It has enabled me to learn, “in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” because I know Heavenly Father will place me where I can learn and grow the most (Philippians 4:11). Whether in prosperity or in difficulty, my life experiences can literally be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ” insomuch that I “cannot fall” from the peace and equanimity I gain from Him (Alma 31:38; Helaman 5:12).

“By the grace of God”

I still don’t know what will become of my fledgling business or my career as a whole. I don’t know when all my important life events will occur or how they will occur. Like Nephi, I definitely “do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Nephi 11:17). But if there is anything I am beginning to know with an absolute knowledge, it is that God “loveth his children” and desires to help them succeed in the most important ways. I express my deep humility and appreciation that God lovingly teaches and patiently guides me. With Paul, I readily acknowledge that “By the grace of God, I am what I am” and I will be what I will be (1 Corinthians 15:10). I still have a ways to go before these lessons—running the right race, embracing the blindness of faith, and centering my faith in Christ, not results—become a part of my character, but I can sincerely say that it’s what I want. And although a successful career with a nice salary and wide-spread respect could be nice, I can now say that what I want even more than that is to be able to echo, with every other striving disciple of Jesus Christ, the heart-felt anthem, “So trusting my all to thy tender care, and knowing thou lovest me, I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere: I’ll be what you want me to be” (I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go”). 

Reflections On Being Mormon

Reflections On Being Mormon

This post is not meant to be “preachy.” In fact, that is the last thing I want it to be. Instead, I hope this post will be mainly two things: 1) informative, and 2) an invitation to anyone who wants to learn more. I’m a Mormon, and Mormons believe in sharing their religion with others. If you haven’t already noticed, Mormons are always sending missionaries all over the world, posting videos affectionately called Mormon Messages, and inviting their loved ones to listen to what we believe. Sharing my beliefs with others is not just a gospel duty, though; it’s something I sincerely want to do. But as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I face the sometimes-daunting task of sharing something I believe with all the conviction of my soul—without being preachy. This post is an attempt to do that. 

My belief in and devotion to my religion runs so deep that I put off school, dating, and everything else for two years to teach people in Japan about Jesus Christ. There were many days spent on the streets and doorsteps of Japan sharing my faith in Christ with complete strangers. You would think that after an experience like that, any hesitancy to share my beliefs would be long gone, but it’s not. I still get nervous to invite people, especially friends and family, to learn about my Church. In my mind, it seems absurd that I would feel that way.  I mean, it’s not that I don’t believe what I am offering to others. But the nervousness doesn’t stem from doubt about what I am sharing; it stems from feeling inadequate in my ability to share it the right way.

So what makes it sometimes difficult to share my religion in the right way? Mormons believe that their church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is the only true church upon the face of the earth. We not only believe that to be true, we say that we “know” it. I know how that may come across to certain people reading this post, but before you peg me as a zealot and exit out of my blog, I hope you’ll give me a chance to explain. There’s a genuine motivation and feeling behind writing something so brash on a subject as sensitive as religion.

I hope this post can embody the sensitivity that religion deserves and express my beliefs in the right way. What is the right way to share it? I think it’s unequivocal but respectful, bold but not overbearing. Charles Malik described it well when he defined a great leader as being “polite” but “never toning down the truth just to please others.” But still, with a claim like being the only true church upon the face of the earth, you can probably see why a Mormon who has family and friends not of his faith might worry about coming across as arrogant, fanatical, or extreme. This is especially true when I know those family members and friends to have exemplary families, generous hearts, and genuine faith in God. That is why I need to be clear that my belief that there is only one true church (Ephesians 4:5) does not equate to a belief that all other churches and religions are bad or insignificant. Quite to the contrary, I have heart-felt respect for other religions and Christian sects and believe in the good they both teach and perform. 

In fact, it is not a matter of good or bad, right or wrong. For me, it is a matter of complete or incomplete. My membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has helped me “come to the knowledge of [my] Redeemer and the very points of his doctrine, that [I] may know how to come unto him” (1 Nephi 15:14). The more I experience the completeness of Christ’s doctrine, as contained in His church, the more I experience the incredible love and care He has for me; the more complete I feel as a human being. So what are some of the doctrines that allow me to feel that way? That’s what I really want to share with you.

God has revealed His plan for us, giving us perspective and purpose.

Those that know me well know that I despise doing things without knowing why I am doing them. I can’t imagine trying to go through life without knowing the real reason for why we are even here, why we are even alive. But within the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I find divine knowledge about the plan for our lives, including where we were before we were born, why we are here on Earth, and where we will go once we die. I love having this knowledge! It allows me to know what it takes to be truly successful—not in terms of salary figures or fame but in terms of peace and performing God’s will. It helps me know what really matters and what is not really worth my time. It gives me hope by telling me what I need to do when I feel like my choices have set me on an unwanted course. It allows me to avoid getting stuck in life and continually progress. It helps me feel complete.

God speaks to us today through living prophets.

Another way my beliefs help me find success is through living prophets—people who commune with God and have divine authority to teach His words (Amos 3:7; Hebrews 5:4). At my age, I am trying to make a lot of important decisions in my life: What should I study? What career should I pursue? How am I going to make a real difference in the world? Who do I want to go through life with? Once I find someone I love, how will I build a happy and successful family with that person? With how many decisions I have to make and how complex the world has become, it is hard to always know what will keep me on a path to happiness and peace. But this is exactly why God has given us prophets along with the plan for our lives—as the world gets more and more confusing, prophets tell us what we need to do to stay close to God and remain on the path of joy. The prophet today is a man named Thomas S. Monson. With him, there is a quorum of twelve Apostles that guide the Church, just like when Christ was on the earth. Even in the toughest circumstances and decisions I’ve had to face in my life so far, I have found tremendous happiness as I’ve followed the counsel of these servants of God. In an increasingly fragmented world, the direction I receive from prophets today helps me maintain my feeling of completeness.

The prophet, Thomas S. Monson (center) and his two counselors, who are apostles of Jesus Christ

           God has given these prophets divine power to seal our families together forever, come                  what may.

Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve dreamed of having my own happy family. Because of that, I’ve been preparing all my life to be a faithful husband and a loving father. Out of all the things I want to accomplish and become in my life, being a husband and father reigns supreme. However, as much as this dream is an important motivator for me, it also constitutes the grounds for one of my greatest fears: losing those I love to death. The worst part about this fear is that it is inevitable. Everyone dies. But that’s exactly why I love being a Mormon. The divine authority living prophets in the LDS church hold is also the authority of God to seal things on earth and in heaven (Matthew 16:19). When two people are married, or “sealed,” by this authority, their relationship is bound in a way where even death itself cannot destroy it. Where man’s authority can only pronounce us man and wife “till death do us part,” God’s authority can bind us not just for time but also for eternity. That means that my family will be mine and I will be theirs, not only until death but even after we die. In every sense, we will have become an eternal family, never to be separated because of the authoritative sealing upon our relationships.

That tastes good to me. It’s consistent with how powerfully we love each other. I don’t think I could whole-heartedly believe in a religion or a God that doesn’t teach that I could be with those I love beyond death, for my love itself seems to imply it. Because of the authority given to prophets in this Church, I know that we don’t come to earth and spend our lives loving those closest to us only to have them stripped away from us when we die. This knowledge, while possessing no guarantee that death will not come to my family, does give me sufficient hope and courage to love deeply; it gives me courage to love completely. 

These doctrines may be unfamiliar to you. They may be something you already believe. Whatever the case may be, I know that they are true. I have asked God in prayer if these things are true and He has given me a personal witness that they are. Everything good we desire as human beings and as children of God can be found in Christ’s restored church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The peace, hope, forgiveness, and love I have received from knowing the “very points” of Christ’s doctrine has allowed me to come to know my Savior in powerful, intimate ways. It has allowed me to feel truly complete. That is why I’m a Mormon. That is why I want to share what I believe with those I love. I apologize if I shared anything I believe in a way that was offensive to you. That was not my intent. I must admit that even after spending hours working on writing this post, I still feel it impossible to adequately express things rooted so deeply in my heart. Thank you, however, for allowing me to try. If you have questions or are interested in learning more about what I believe, I hope you will reach out to me. You can also check out mormon.org, if you’d like.

            Also, here’s a great talk from one of our church leaders to people not of our faith: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/come-and-see?lang=eng

One Step Enough For Me

All You Need to Read if All You’re Interested in is What’s Happening in My Life:

Let’s cover the basics right from the start: 1) No, I am currently not dating anyone. I have dated a few girls in the last couple years but still haven’t found the one for me. But don’t worry; my parents are very good at not letting me forget that I am single and that marriage is an essential step in my eternal progression. 2) I am studying English with a Business Strategy minor. What am I planning on doing with that, you ask? (or even if you don’t). I plan to get a PhD in education and then build businesses designed to initiate and manage the major changes I believe will occur in that field in the near future. 3) I am currently working full-time in a training/management position at the Missionary Training Center where I train and manage between 35-60 teachers and anywhere between 100-300 missionaries at a time. This requires that I only go to school part-time, meaning I will graduate, depressingly, at the end of 2016.

What do I really want in life, and how will I get it?

It was five minutes to 9:30 when I walked into room 230 for the first day of Strategy class. The room was set up in a stadium-like fashion where no matter where you sat, you could pretty much see everyone else. I sat down next to a friendly-looking fellow and introduced myself as confidently as I could. Intellectually, I was trembling. Everyone I consciously looked at seemed to breath smart, talk smart, walk smart, and know that they were smart. Although in the moment I recognized this mindset to be fallacious, I couldn’t help feeling like it was somehow true-- everyone was smart, and furthermore, smarter than me. I mean, there was a guy two rows in front of me that seemed to have already read all the material for the semester and written 3 page papers on each article. Across the room, sat another guy that looked like he had already started two successful businesses and was just taking this class as a refresher. Then there was the guy that everyone seemed to know and like. He walked into the room and said hello to six or seven different people by name and seemed to struggle knowing which of his friends he should sit by. Even if he wasn’t smart (he did look smart), he was going to have plenty of friends to help him understand and succeed.

Despite my feelings of desperation and inadequacy on the first day of class, as the semester progressed, I learned to feel confident around a lot of other people that were confident. Most of the people I met in the class were, in fact, very smart and inspiringly ambitious, but also down-to-earth and kind. As time went on, I realized that I actually enjoy being in an environment where you are expected to think critically and accurately, an environment where you are expected to contribute. Something I came to feel as I was immersed in that culture from 9:30 to 10:45 am every Monday and Wednesday was that I could literally be and do whatever I wanted. Those words were no longer a mere platitude my mom used to tell me while I was growing up; it became a real possibility. The problem was deciding what I really wanted to devote my life to and, consequently, what I wanted to become with my time on earth.

When it comes to this decision, I’ve learned that there are plenty of people that feel like they know the path to success and are eager to share it with you. They know how to build your resume, connect you to the right people, and even teach you how to think. These things, they seem to think, will land you a job with a top firm, making millions of dollars, and bringing glory to your family, alma mater, and your name. On deeper reflection, even if people don’t tell you those things directly, the business school climate seems to infuse them into your brain. I could sometimes feel the disapproval of some when they found out I was devoting so much time to my job at the MTC rather than doing internships with more “reputable” firms. Although I tried to resist, I couldn’t help but feel that they were somehow right. I struggled with knowing whether staying at the MTC, something I felt like God was directing me to do, was really the best thing for me.

I also started to struggle with my desires to be wealthy. Growing up, money was never really a big determining factor in my career choices. I was taught that if you spend less than you make, eventually, you would become wealthy. But the more I formulated what I wanted to accomplish in my life, the more I felt, not just a desire, but a need to be wealthy.

Now, I recognize that these desires are not necessarily bad per se. The desires themselves were not troubling me. It was that the desires to make lots of money, work at a prestigious firm, and be successful in the world seemed to actually be competing with my desire to do whatever God wanted me to do. What if God didn’t have riches in store for me? What if working at a prestigious firm isn’t really what He wanted for my life? I realized that if what I wanted for myself wasn’t really what God wanted for me, that I would have a really difficult time accepting that, and that really bothered me. At first, I thought I might just pretend that my more secular desires weren’t really competing with my spiritual ones, but then I remembered Tennyson:

There lives more faith in honest doubt

Believe me, than in half the creeds.

He fought his doubts and gathered strength

He would not make his judgment blind

He faced the spectres of his mind

And laid them: thus he came at length

To find a greater faith his own

            I resolved to live by these words and deal with my feelings head-on. I started studying consecration and sacrifice in the scriptures. I started praying for the ability to truly “yield [my] heart unto God” (Helaman 3:35). Weeks went by where I didn’t feel like I was getting much direction. Then one day, while I was studying and seeking for guidance, I felt inspired to write a poem. I opened a Word doc and just started writing. What I produced, though admittedly unimpressive poetically, captured my struggle and revealed God’s guidance for me at that time.

                       

You pull upon my heart for love I wish to give 

But cannot yet.  

I wrestle with green paper. fancy plates. big desks 

which multiply heavier 

with each passing Monday and Wednesday 

From 9:30 to 10:45.   

I wonder what you'll ask and tremble at alters I've never met

and checkbooks of zeros. My brain soothes me, 

but I do not trust my brain so easily tricked.  

So I reach with my heart, offering gifts you do not want. You want the  

inner valves and veins of my inwards but I will not let them go.  

I fear your paths and burdens and I want the bigger desk. 

I look at your face, framed and hanging beside me and want you to be the most my heart could have.

I reach, claw, fight, and plead for you to take what only I can give.  

I sneer at the ugly wall someone built between us and then  

I feel the wooden handled hammer in my hand. You ask for it, and

I give it to you. 

But I still want it. I want to build that big, polished, pure-oak desk. 

But then you give one to me. Six chairs surrounding 

With jammy fingers making sticky prints. Mac'n'cheese in little mouths fed with little hands. I look across and see her eyes staring trustingly. I hold her heart in my own; she--mine.  

Smiling, I finally grasp your hand and whisper,  

"Thank you for my desk."

            When I finished writing, something was different. It wasn’t a huge change, but it was a distinct one. It felt like I had just found my misplaced wallet after 30 minutes of angry searching. It was simply the feeling that I wanted what I had always wanted—to be a husband and father who gives his life to God and his family. I still felt a desire to follow my ambitions in having a successful career and changing the world, but the more I thought about the words I had just written, the more I felt that those things would never mean anything to me or to God if I failed to fulfill the dream I have had ever since I was a little boy—making a genuinely happy family with the love of my life.

            This experience became the impetus to methodically recapturing my future from the control of resumes, GPA’s, famous businessmen, and well-meaning advisors and placing it securely in the hands of God. Doing so has taught me an important lesson: Everything I accomplish in my life—everything—will be because God has provided the opportunity, talent, or experience needed to do it. God will get me where I need to be. It won’t be my impressive resume. It won’t be because I got into the strategy program. It won’t be because of me at all.

On first thought, you might think this would diminish my self-confidence, but the reality is that this realization has brought more confidence, direction, and faith. More than ever before, I feel like I can “trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not unto [my] own understanding” with the knowledge that “he shall direct [my] paths” (Proverbs 3:5).

But I’ve learned that trusting in God so completely requires a particular type of attitude, a specific way of looking at the world. I think it might be what the Book of Mormon prophets call an “eye of faith” (Alma 32). It is the ability to reside in uncertainty without becoming anxious. It is the determination to not jump ship when it starts taking on water; it is the courage to not retreat when the opponent gets a few good shots on you. It is seen in the man digging in deeper when the enemy appears innumerable. It is seen in the woman standing a little taller when the pressures and weights of the world seem too heavy to bear. It is the realization that closeness to God is often found in our own personal gardens of Gethsemane. It is not merely enduring the trial—indeed, adversity is the gardener of faith whether we like it or not—rather, it is enduring the trial well.

Please notice that I’m not saying that we should enjoy trials, uncertainty, or affliction. They would not qualify as such if they were enjoyable to us. Instead, I am trying to say that complete trust in God is always accompanied by the implicit confidence that everything is going to be okay, that God is at the helm and that “all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good” (Doctrine and Covenants 98:3).

This confidence has transformed the uncertain journey of my life from a fretful dragging of the feet to an exciting, soul-stretching quest. I still don’t know exactly what lies ahead, but I no longer fear ambiguity. I know God is my Father, that he loves me with a perfect love, and that He will never forsake me. He will “guide my future as He has my past” (“Be Still My Soul”). I know I am His son and because of that, I have infinite potential to do whatever He would have me do. That knowledge acts as an anchor to my soul and makes me to pray with saints of every dispensation, “Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene—one step enough for me” (“Lead Kindly Light”).

            

A Tribute to Mothers

I had the incredible chance to spend time with my family over the break. I have been so blessed to have a supportive and loving family. As I see my sisters grow into their current or future roles as mothers and wives, I often ponder the significance my mother has had in my own life and the significance I want my future wife to play in our children’s lives. I think there are many that see the principle of a mother staying home to nurture the children as degrading and sexist. I have a much different view on it though. I truly believe that being a mother is the noblest thing a woman can become. I believe that one of the most powerful ways to change the world is to create a happy, peaceful home in which your family can learn, grow, and flourish without the constant influence of the world as a deterrent. I believe a mother in the home is a huge key to the success of this ideal. I understand very well, from personal experience within my own family, that everyone’s situations vary, and that it is not always possible to have the mom stay home, but as I have reflected on my mother’s selfless effort to always be home when we were there throughout my life, I have realized the profound influence it has had on me. I am deeply grateful for my mother, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, and friends that choose to use all of the divine gifts and talents they have been given to be, and prepare to be righteous, loving mothers. It is truly a gift of altruism beyond compare: to give your life to bless another’s. Yours is the work of shaping the world to be a better place for all. My prayer is that you may receive the reverence and thanks that you deserve. My testimony is that whether in this life or the next, you will. Inspired by the heaven-sent angels who are my mother and four sisters, this poem is a tribute to all those who are, and prepare to be mothers.  

 

A Story Called Mother

She was given a book, pages blank and new

To fill all up with things she’d do

Any story to write, any tale to tell

Oh, how she wanted to write it well

She started out, but what to say?

So many plots, thoughts in array

Others told her what she should write;

All she could do with her special light

They said to write and get some fame

Leave her mark, and make a name

Create a work the world will laud

So you may bow while they applaud

Still others said to seek a crown

And ever be “free” and never “tied down”

To prove that women can be like men

She could do it all with a stroke of her pen

But then the girl recalled a read

That in her heart had planted the seed

Of love and faith and virtue too

Of selflessness and courage true

That book had taught her how to live

And work and serve and how to give

“A book like that will I make mine”

She thought as she wrote her very first line

Instead of a best-seller she wrote a quiet psalm

Instead of CEO she claimed the sacred title—Mom

Instead of shiny trophies she got a hug and kiss

Instead of fleeting fame she made a home of heav’nly bliss

 Sure, there were times when things got tough

Late nights of crying can be real rough

But she kept on writing, generations to bless

And performed her mission with righteousness

She did not receive worldly praise

Or “bring home the bacon” or earn a raise

But she did shape a precious soul

And in its life play a starring role

It sometimes seemed a vain pursuit

All her effort, far too minute

But then a voice came from above

He said, “I thank you for your love”

“No other work’s worthy of thee

This is the noblest thing to be

And so this call I entrust to you

For this is what I’d have you do”

Though untrained eyes may read her book

And denigrate with a puzzled look,

“So much talent was wasted here

On a book so plain and so austere!”

But those who knew the author best

Will praise the book and call it blessed

For their lives were products of her work

That priceless gift that many shirk

Our life is a book for us to write

And oh, what a sweet and wondrous sight

To see a story written for another

A treasured story entitled Mother