Daily Love

Life is such a great teacher. I am so grateful for the daily struggles it affords us and the things we can learn from the Lord as we allow Him to teach us. I decided to update my blog with excerpts from my journal entries of the last few days. I think they sum up nicely, the things I have been learning.

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October 25, 2011

                I feel like I am drowning. I feel the necessity of staying on top of the water to stay alive, but feel like I don’t have the power to do so. I took my chemistry test today and spent three and a half hours in the testing center battling it out. I feel like I studied decently well, although perhaps perfunctorily. I walked down the stairway of freedom that leads out of the testing center with anticipation of a B or B-. To my chagrin, I saw the figure 69% looming next to my student number. Oh no!  I actually feel okay about it. I tried my best and that is what I got. I am going to learn from it and press forward. I have a strange feeling right now though. I am not motivated. I got home tonight and knew that I had chemistry homework to do and that I had to have it done by 12:00 am. Despite that fact, I all I wanted to do was go get a two for one milkshake at Sammy’s. I tried to persuade Caplin to go with me but to no avail, so I texted Jenny in our ward and took her. I didn’t get home until around 9:00, which still gave me three hours to finish the homework. When I sat down to do it though, I felt like I was staring at the Japanese Book of Mormon for the first time in the MTC—all I saw and read was gibberish. My roommate helped me with a few problems, but he had his own homework to do. I then started to get sleepy, and with no desire to finish the assignment, I succumbed to the impending slumber. The truth is I just don’t care about chemistry. I know that real learners are hungry to learn about whatever there is to learn about, but I just don’t enjoy it and I am not going to hide it. The stark reality though, is that I am in the class and I can’t drop it now. I just don’t get it and the desire to understand it is waning to say the least. I need some guidance and strength that I know the Savior can give me. I can’t do this by myself or by my own strength. I also have questions about grace. We learned that in the strength and power of Christ that we can literally do anything. I truly believe and received a witness that that is true. Without Christ, I can do nothing. I wonder then, if I don’t do very well in chemistry, does that mean that I didn’t rely of the Lord enough? Does it mean that I didn’t do my part? I sometimes get confused about some of these challenging problems.

October 26, 2011

“That’s right, because we would rather fail, than give up.” These are words that really taught me a lot about doing my best no matter what the result was. I heard them from a missionary (Elder Brett Stevenson) whose dad was a mission president in Nagoya Japan and is now a seventy. Elder Packer had come to his mission to tour it and asked him the question,

“If your mission didn’t have one baptism for a whole year, would you give up?”

Elder Stevenson then replied,

 “No, I would not.”

That is when Elder Packer quipped,

“That is right, because we would rather fail than give up.”

I was about to sit down and try and finish up some homework before I went to my next class, when I saw a Book of Mormon sitting on the coffee table. I picked it up and asked for the Lord’s guidance in where I should read. I read a few versus and then the words of Elder Packer came into my mind with great power and love. The Lord re-taught me an important lesson that I learned on my mission: you cannot measure your success solely on the numbers (or grades) your effort produces. I felt the Lord’s love envelop me and I felt, once again, the incredible and tender daily mercy the Lord pours down upon me. I see His loving hand in all that I do and everywhere I go. The Lord blessed me with the motivation I needed to press forward and continue to give my all.

 God answers prayers.

October 28, 2011

                I have already learned much today and have felt God’s love in great measure. I woke up early and studied. I prayed for guidance and understanding when it comes to the trials and experiences I am facing right now. I was led by the Spirit to a talk given by Elder Maxwell about carrying our crosses. I learned that our lives will most likely always be difficult. When I say difficult, I do not mean miserable, but I do mean stretching. If this life is meant to make us like God and His Son, then it better make us stretch and grow because all “have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” If God is going to make me a king and a fellow heir with Christ, then I better be prepared to take on the training involved. It can’t be easy, because I highly doubt that being a God is an easy job. Applying what I have learned to my current situation, I realized that chemistry and all the other classes are supposed to be hard for me. Dating isn’t supposed to be easy all the time. If it was, I would never be able to become the person that God wanted me to become. That is why it is so important to never give up. If we did, God couldn’t help us anymore. As long as we are doing all we can, God will strengthen and teach us. Christ had to wade through more sorrow, pain, anguish, and suffering than anyone before or since. If anyone ever had an excuse to quit, it was Him. Yet, in John we learn that “[Christ] bearing his cross went forth.” Surely He who carried the burden of us all, is willing and able to help us carry our crosses, but we too must press forward doing the best we can. I testify that is the truth.

                I gave a trusted teacher a call today and asked Him some questions about grace that I have been struggling with. I have wondered, “If Christ can do anything, then why do I still fail at times even though I am trying to rely on Him?” I wonder if maybe I am not really relying on Him enough, or if I just need to learn a lesson from Him. From what I learned on my mission, I feel much more inclined to believe the latter of my two inferences. As I talked to this caring mentor, he confirmed my feelings and told me that I have a great light within me and that I needed to put my trust in that light. The Spirit will not allow me to fail or go amiss when I am sincerely trying to do what is right in my life. What kind of father or God would do that? Certainly, not the kind of Father and God I know my Heavenly Father to be. I truly have no reason to ever fret or worry. Worry is a lack of faith and a bitter fruit of doubt.  “Why should this anxious load press down [my] weary mind?” For, I can “haste to my Heavenly Father’s throne and sweet refreshment find. His goodness stands approved, unchanged from day to day.” I will “drop [my] burdens at His feet and bear a song away.” I am worthy and I am clean. God is pleased with my life. He is aware of me and has a great plan for my life. I will do much good in my life. I will accomplish great things. I will be an instrument in God’s hands. I have so much hope for my future because I know that Christ lives! He lives as a resurrected, perfect being; filled with all mercy, compassion, kindness and wisdom. I trust in Him. I am His and He is mine. As long as I know that He lives, I know that all will be well and right in the end.

October 29, 2011

                I realized this morning that I have been being scared to fail lately; but I have learned that it is not bad to fail, as long as you know that you are doing the best that you really can. In those times, God just may have a different plan for you or a different lesson for you to learn. How could we ever learn of Christ’s power to pick us up if we never fell down? Therefore, I hereby relinquish all fear of failing, in the knowledge that if I am doing my best, the Lord will pick me up and teach me from that failure. Truly, “all things work together for good to them that love God.”  

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                Needless to say, I feel Heavenly Father’s love every single day. I know that He is mindful of all that we do and wants to be a part of all that we undertake. I am so imperfect. I fall short every day. Yet, I know that through Christ’s love and power I can do anything. I have learned though, that that doesn’t mean that we will never fail in life; but it does mean that when we fall, we don’t have to let it keep us from getting back up. If we rely on Christ, He will pick us up, brush us off, and set us back on our way to becoming all that we can become.  

My Life Is So Good

Well it seems that I didn’t quite turn out to be the avid blogger some of my supporters thought I might become, but I am grateful for the opportunity to update it today. I was told by a good friend that blogs aren’t supposed to be very long, so I apologize for the length of this entry. I figured though, that I am kind of writing this more for my sake than anyone else’s and although I would be more than happy for anyone to read this, the main purpose in writing this blog has been to help me organize in my mind, some of the lessons that I have learned in the last few months.

 Over the last four months, I have learned so much and have been so happy. Every day, as I walk the tree lined street to and from BYU campus, looking at the beautiful colors of autumn and the majestic mountains of Provo, I think with a smile on my face, “I may possibly be the happiest, most blessed person on the planet!” Since moving up here a few weeks before school started, I have been constantly blessed to be surrounded by great people that lift and inspire me to be better. I feel the same way as I did as a missionary— happy to be alive and confident in God’s love for me and the love He has for each one of His children. I wake up early and fill my day with worth-while things until I lay my head down at night exhausted, but happy. So happy. The best part is that the daily, profound joy I experience in my life is not because my life is perfect, or lacks what to me would be considered trials. It is not an object of happenstance. It is a choice I decide to make everyday. What an extraordinary gift!

My Father in Heaven has taught me so much through the different experiences I have had. I am sure that anyone who has been around me in the last month or so probably thinks I am the most fickle, capricious person they have ever met. It all started with a simple visit with the Biomedical engineering club advisors. As I spoke with them, it was apparent that what I wanted to do in the biomedical field had more of a mechanical base. In that moment, it was as if someone had picked up a nearly completed jig-saw puzzle, which was my life, dropped it, scattered the pieces all over the ground and left them for me to put back together again. I all of a sudden didn’t know if chemical engineering was what I wanted to study. I no longer felt sure about any of the career choices I had considered up to that point. After talking to several people, and some considerable thought, I changed my major to mechanical engineering.  Although I felt better about the change, there was still something missing. I started to ponder and contemplate all the different things I could do for a career, and wondered what my mission in life was supposed to be. During this time, I was constantly seeking out others’ advice, as well as inspiration from Heavenly Father. I knew that He cared about my situation and that He would help me make the right decisions for my future. I felt like a laughing child after he has spun around in circles a hundred times— happy, but no idea where he is heading. One morning, I was studying the Book of Mormon, and started to ponder what I really loved to do. I thought about the times I was happiest in my life and what I was doing during those times. As these thoughts ran through my mind, I realized that I had a passion for teaching people things. I loved teaching, but what was I supposed to teach? I didn’t feel that I had enough passion for any particular secular subject to be able to teach it. That is when I felt the prompting to look into what law school had to offer. I had never considered going to law school before but felt like I should check it out. As I did, I learned that I was going to need to do something that strengthened my reading and writing abilities, which led me to research the English major at BYU. After much prayer and counsel with both Heavenly Father and close friends and family, the answer finally came one morning while I was again studying the scriptures. I felt as if the fog covering my way was lifted and I could now clearly see the path that I should go. I recognized my love of the English language, developed during my mission while learning Japanese, and my incessant desire to become a teacher. I decided to become a college English professor. I felt the Holy Ghost confirm my feelings, and I felt peace about my future career that I hadn’t felt in close to a month. Even now, when I tell people my new found major and hear the invariable laughter that follows, I feel peace about my decision. I want to do something that can influence others for good and help them improve their lives. I realize that that is possible in various, honorable careers and professions, but as I reflect on my blessed life, outside of my parents and family, it was been my inspired, selfless teachers and leaders that have had the greatest influence upon me. I feel like this is my calling in life, and although I don’t get the “oooo’s” and “awww’s” I used to when I told people I was going to be a mechanical engineer, I feel peace and excitement about my future and the good I will be able to do as a devoted teacher. Part of the difficulty I faced in making this decision was my eclectic desire to learn about and be good at everything. I like science and math and felt like if I switched to English, that I would, for some reason, no longer be able to learn about them. I have learned though, that is not true. To ensure that I keep a well-rounded education, I have also decided to join the honors program and graduate with honors. I believe this will cultivate a desire to be educated and learned in many different fields. Despite my desire to learn all that I can in every subject, I do feel that English is where my passion lies. I have already set goals to improve my ability to read and write and am constantly excited about what I can learn next on this newly discovered path.  

                Through this trying, but instructive experience, I have learned anew that God really does care about all that we care about. No matter how small and insignificant we may think it is, if it is important to us, it is important to God. He wants to help us and bless us with all that He can. Once, when working out with my roommate Ryan, I learned a valuable lesson that gave me greater understanding to why the Lord was allowing me to struggle so much with this important life decision. I was spotting Ryan as he was doing bench press. We were trying to lift heavier weight, thus increasing the muscle build of our workout. Many times though, when you do heavier weight, you cannot lift it completely by yourself. This is where the spotter comes in. As a spotter, I like to help just enough so that he is still doing most of the work and therefore getting stronger, but also enough so that he is able to lift the weight. I wouldn’t be helping Ryan become stronger if I just lifted the weight right off of him once he started struggling, but I also would never just let him strain and fail with a load that he couldn’t lift by himself. I realized that Christ is the spotter in my life. He knows that if He just made everything easy for me that I would never grow or become stronger. He will also never leave me alone with my burdens though. Christ will empower me so I can overcome all of my trials. As I am magnified by Christ and His grace, my capacity to lift heavier burdens increases and I take one step closer to becoming like He is.  

                I have also relearned that God always answers our prayers, but that it is most often line upon line, precept upon precept that we receive those answers. Patience is an essential aspect of our faith in Christ that will help us as we wait for needed guidance and direction. Even in my career choice, although I feel an overpowering peace about what I am doing at this time, I know that this could possibly just be one piece of the whole answer that God wants me to have. The important thing is that I know that He will not allow me to walk amiss on my journey to do His will in my life. It is interesting how when God seems to be arbitrarily destroying our “picture-perfect” lives, if we allow Him to hold the brush and make the strokes on our canvas He desires , it actually turns out to be more beautiful and breath-taking than before. God knows what will make us the happiest. We just have to trust in His perfect will and timing to see the masterpiece He will make out of our lives.

“You can do anything you put your mind to!”

                I have heard those words ever since I was a little child. It hasn’t been until I have grown older and gained a personal witness that I am a child of God though, that I have really believed them. I know that through the strengthening power of Christ’s atonement that I can truly do anything. As Marianne Williamson taught, we have a light within us that we were born to shine. That light is the Light of Christ. We are not the light, but we are bearers of it. As we let that light within us shine, we give glory to God. Because God loves us and we are His children, we can have hope for a bright and happy future. I do not fear the future. Although wars may rage and economic depressions may spread, I feel only hope for a glorious, successful life with a loving family in a home filled with peace and joy. That hope is Jesus Christ. I know that He is the Light and Hope of this world and that as we put our trust in Him, we will never abide in darkness. Happiness is a choice, not a fruit of our circumstance. I testify that true and lasting happiness lies in the Savior of the world. This testimony has been the steadying influence in my life. I know that no matter what the world may say, or how precarious the way may become, that all our afflictions may be swallowed up in the joy of Christ.