Daily Love

Life is such a great teacher. I am so grateful for the daily struggles it affords us and the things we can learn from the Lord as we allow Him to teach us. I decided to update my blog with excerpts from my journal entries of the last few days. I think they sum up nicely, the things I have been learning.

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October 25, 2011

                I feel like I am drowning. I feel the necessity of staying on top of the water to stay alive, but feel like I don’t have the power to do so. I took my chemistry test today and spent three and a half hours in the testing center battling it out. I feel like I studied decently well, although perhaps perfunctorily. I walked down the stairway of freedom that leads out of the testing center with anticipation of a B or B-. To my chagrin, I saw the figure 69% looming next to my student number. Oh no!  I actually feel okay about it. I tried my best and that is what I got. I am going to learn from it and press forward. I have a strange feeling right now though. I am not motivated. I got home tonight and knew that I had chemistry homework to do and that I had to have it done by 12:00 am. Despite that fact, I all I wanted to do was go get a two for one milkshake at Sammy’s. I tried to persuade Caplin to go with me but to no avail, so I texted Jenny in our ward and took her. I didn’t get home until around 9:00, which still gave me three hours to finish the homework. When I sat down to do it though, I felt like I was staring at the Japanese Book of Mormon for the first time in the MTC—all I saw and read was gibberish. My roommate helped me with a few problems, but he had his own homework to do. I then started to get sleepy, and with no desire to finish the assignment, I succumbed to the impending slumber. The truth is I just don’t care about chemistry. I know that real learners are hungry to learn about whatever there is to learn about, but I just don’t enjoy it and I am not going to hide it. The stark reality though, is that I am in the class and I can’t drop it now. I just don’t get it and the desire to understand it is waning to say the least. I need some guidance and strength that I know the Savior can give me. I can’t do this by myself or by my own strength. I also have questions about grace. We learned that in the strength and power of Christ that we can literally do anything. I truly believe and received a witness that that is true. Without Christ, I can do nothing. I wonder then, if I don’t do very well in chemistry, does that mean that I didn’t rely of the Lord enough? Does it mean that I didn’t do my part? I sometimes get confused about some of these challenging problems.

October 26, 2011

“That’s right, because we would rather fail, than give up.” These are words that really taught me a lot about doing my best no matter what the result was. I heard them from a missionary (Elder Brett Stevenson) whose dad was a mission president in Nagoya Japan and is now a seventy. Elder Packer had come to his mission to tour it and asked him the question,

“If your mission didn’t have one baptism for a whole year, would you give up?”

Elder Stevenson then replied,

 “No, I would not.”

That is when Elder Packer quipped,

“That is right, because we would rather fail than give up.”

I was about to sit down and try and finish up some homework before I went to my next class, when I saw a Book of Mormon sitting on the coffee table. I picked it up and asked for the Lord’s guidance in where I should read. I read a few versus and then the words of Elder Packer came into my mind with great power and love. The Lord re-taught me an important lesson that I learned on my mission: you cannot measure your success solely on the numbers (or grades) your effort produces. I felt the Lord’s love envelop me and I felt, once again, the incredible and tender daily mercy the Lord pours down upon me. I see His loving hand in all that I do and everywhere I go. The Lord blessed me with the motivation I needed to press forward and continue to give my all.

 God answers prayers.

October 28, 2011

                I have already learned much today and have felt God’s love in great measure. I woke up early and studied. I prayed for guidance and understanding when it comes to the trials and experiences I am facing right now. I was led by the Spirit to a talk given by Elder Maxwell about carrying our crosses. I learned that our lives will most likely always be difficult. When I say difficult, I do not mean miserable, but I do mean stretching. If this life is meant to make us like God and His Son, then it better make us stretch and grow because all “have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” If God is going to make me a king and a fellow heir with Christ, then I better be prepared to take on the training involved. It can’t be easy, because I highly doubt that being a God is an easy job. Applying what I have learned to my current situation, I realized that chemistry and all the other classes are supposed to be hard for me. Dating isn’t supposed to be easy all the time. If it was, I would never be able to become the person that God wanted me to become. That is why it is so important to never give up. If we did, God couldn’t help us anymore. As long as we are doing all we can, God will strengthen and teach us. Christ had to wade through more sorrow, pain, anguish, and suffering than anyone before or since. If anyone ever had an excuse to quit, it was Him. Yet, in John we learn that “[Christ] bearing his cross went forth.” Surely He who carried the burden of us all, is willing and able to help us carry our crosses, but we too must press forward doing the best we can. I testify that is the truth.

                I gave a trusted teacher a call today and asked Him some questions about grace that I have been struggling with. I have wondered, “If Christ can do anything, then why do I still fail at times even though I am trying to rely on Him?” I wonder if maybe I am not really relying on Him enough, or if I just need to learn a lesson from Him. From what I learned on my mission, I feel much more inclined to believe the latter of my two inferences. As I talked to this caring mentor, he confirmed my feelings and told me that I have a great light within me and that I needed to put my trust in that light. The Spirit will not allow me to fail or go amiss when I am sincerely trying to do what is right in my life. What kind of father or God would do that? Certainly, not the kind of Father and God I know my Heavenly Father to be. I truly have no reason to ever fret or worry. Worry is a lack of faith and a bitter fruit of doubt.  “Why should this anxious load press down [my] weary mind?” For, I can “haste to my Heavenly Father’s throne and sweet refreshment find. His goodness stands approved, unchanged from day to day.” I will “drop [my] burdens at His feet and bear a song away.” I am worthy and I am clean. God is pleased with my life. He is aware of me and has a great plan for my life. I will do much good in my life. I will accomplish great things. I will be an instrument in God’s hands. I have so much hope for my future because I know that Christ lives! He lives as a resurrected, perfect being; filled with all mercy, compassion, kindness and wisdom. I trust in Him. I am His and He is mine. As long as I know that He lives, I know that all will be well and right in the end.

October 29, 2011

                I realized this morning that I have been being scared to fail lately; but I have learned that it is not bad to fail, as long as you know that you are doing the best that you really can. In those times, God just may have a different plan for you or a different lesson for you to learn. How could we ever learn of Christ’s power to pick us up if we never fell down? Therefore, I hereby relinquish all fear of failing, in the knowledge that if I am doing my best, the Lord will pick me up and teach me from that failure. Truly, “all things work together for good to them that love God.”  

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                Needless to say, I feel Heavenly Father’s love every single day. I know that He is mindful of all that we do and wants to be a part of all that we undertake. I am so imperfect. I fall short every day. Yet, I know that through Christ’s love and power I can do anything. I have learned though, that that doesn’t mean that we will never fail in life; but it does mean that when we fall, we don’t have to let it keep us from getting back up. If we rely on Christ, He will pick us up, brush us off, and set us back on our way to becoming all that we can become.