Finals

This was it. This would be the battle to end it all. He walked in armed with only a calculator and his trusty black Bic mechanical pencil with a blue, squishy grip. Nourished only moments earlier with a meager maple bar and cherry fritter, this crusader would have to endure the frightful skirmish bereft of adequate sustenance. The enemy had presented a new tactic that would give them the advantage— the battle field would be a 3 foot by 2 foot area in which there was only a small plank of wood upon which to work. He would have to fit his backpack, sweatshirt, test, bubble answer sheet, calculator, and three sheets of scratch paper all in this confined space. The conflict would not end swiftly, for this 63 question monster was not going down without a fight. Though the foe delivered blow after devastating blow of scientific trivia, the ardent, young academic warrior still stood undaunted, determined not to give up. After five brutal hours and the reception of many wounds, the wearied soldier limped from the battlefield with as much pride as he could muster and accepted the 66% branded upon his four months of effort and preparation. Though he would retain many scars from this struggle for victory in the face of defeat, they would serve as constant reminders to the brave fledgling of the lessons learned during this cold and bitter war with his relentless opponent—chemistry.

                

              Okay, this description of my chemistry final may be slightly melodramatic, but in some ways I feel like it depicts how I feel fairly accurately. I received my first ever “B” in chemistry this last semester, and although it has been a flesh wound to the good ole “4.0” GPA, I feel that the Lord has made me into a better, stronger person because of it.  I feel indebted to chemistry, for it was the catalyst that set me on my journey to find what I truly want to do in my life—teach. It has served as a testing ground for my character: to see if I would give up or continue to try my best even when things weren’t going my way.  I also believe that chemistry was a road sign, sent from heaven to help me know that the road I was going down wasn’t for me. The experience as a whole has increased my testimony that God loves and cares for us, and will guide us in our lives if we but listen.

        

             Going into the last week of school (finals week), I was once again having a hard time finding motivation to put effort into studying for, well, any of my finals, but particularly chemistry. I went heavenward for help and almost immediately I felt these words written on the blackboard of my mind: “I am not going to school for a grade; I am going to be a better disciple of Christ.” I once again felt the motivational power that the atonement can have in our lives. The love that Christ’s pure, omnipotent love invokes inside my heart, can motivate me and give me strength to do things even after my natural capacities are near exhausted. Once this paradigm shift occurred, a power and determination to succeed surged into every aspect of my life like a rushing river.  Think of the Savior after He suffered the sting of betrayal, the horror of Gethsemane, the humiliation of the mock trial, the nefariousness of His torture, and the bitterness of denial by His closest friends; don’t you think He would be tired? What gave Him the strength to endure His heavy cross through the angry throng of people? Why didn’t He give up? No one would be able to blame Him. He didn’t deserve this. Why didn’t the pain, fatigue, and heartache drive Him to just say, “Enough!” and relieve Himself of the agony? No one in all the history of the world had ever felt that tired before, so why didn’t He stop?

            

            I am the reason. Yes, you are also the reason, but just to make it a little more personal, I want to focus on me for a minute. As miniscule as my trials are, and I readily admit they are very small compared to many, Christ knew that I would be tired one day too. He knew that I was going to need some help staying motivated so I could at least swing a “B” in chemistry. He knew that I was going to need Him to understand what I felt like in Japan, when Japanese just seemed too hard to learn. When I was squirming in pain on my bed the first time I got kidney stones, Jesus knew that I was going to need someone to be there by my side to comfort me. That is why He didn’t give up; He loved me that much!   

And so it is with each of us. He descended below all things because He knew that we each, in our own personal way, would need Him. They say that Christ’s atonement was a personal one, and I believe that; I know it. Do you think Christ would have still suffered through all He did if you were the only one He was doing it for? What if no one else except you accepted God’s plan in the beginning? Would Christ still have offered to come down to earth and save you? The answer is yes.  How is that for personal? How is that for intimate? As long as there is at least one person to save, our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ will do all that They can to bring us home to Him. My testimony is that They loved, and still love us that much.  I feel that love every single day. Truly,

“in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

“Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39).   

                I know that is true.

             

   This last semester, I went to the funeral of a man who had been a senior missionary in our mission. He was an extraordinary man with a pure heart from which you could feel goodness radiating. I learned so much about the meaning of life and what is important while I listened to the service. Not one thing was said about his wealth, the prestige he possessed in the world, or any of the other things that sometimes unfortunately become important in our lives. They did, though, talk about the endless love he had for his family, his faithfulness and devotion to the Lord, and the countless acts of service he had performed throughout his life. This stalwart man had lived a rich life in the eyes of God and his family, and as I sat contemplating it all I felt assured that his treasures in heaven were not a few. Later on, I was pondering the birth of Christ and asked myself the question that seemed to arbitrarily pop into my mind: “Why did Christ come to earth?” That was an easy one to answer. I had heard it a thousand times before: He came to provide the way, that I might live. Then I thought about that word “live.” I had always associated that word to the resurrection and the life after we die. I believe that is one meaning of the word, but I started to think about it a little differently. I started to think about what it truly means to “live” in the now. One definition of the word suggests having a full and fulfilling life. Christ also provided the way for us to do that as well. He set the perfect example of living an altruistic life; full of gratitude, hope, faith, service, love, and sacrifice. Then, through His atonement, our Savior provided the divine help we would all need to emulate His life. Giving our lives in service to others is not always easy, at least for me, but as I strive to rely on the grace God willingly provides, I am able to find opportunities to give of myself and feel the joy of truly “living.” I know that our lives mean little if we only live for ourselves. That is why I am so grateful for a Redeemer who has the power to help me become like Him. I am constantly overwhelmed with gratitude and love for the incredible people that fill my life. They are constant reminders that this life is about people and the relationships we make with them.    

So what did I learn during the fall semester of 2011, at Brigham Young University? Well, although I learned much about molecular orbitals, hyperbolas, and Japanese business etiquette, the greatest lesson I learned is one that God teaches me time and time again: “whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day,” for, “I have been supported under trails and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me” (Alma 36:3,27). 

            I don’t know what the next semester will hold for me, but I am excited to meet new challenges and learn new lessons. “I believe in Christ, so come what may” (“I Believe in Christ,” Hymn 134).

A Life That is Faithful, A Life That is True

              I have had an incredible week! I woke up this morning with so much gratitude in my heart. I had so many opportunities to become better and learn from the people around me. I made new friends and was able to see friends I hadn’t seen in a really long time (Welcome home Max!). I have been thinking a lot about the people the Lord puts in our lives and why He does it. I have a strong conviction that all the people the Lord puts in our lives are meant to teach us something. There have been so many people in my life who have helped me get to where I am today, and continue to help me become all that I want to become. They are tender mercies from a Father in Heaven that loves me. At the end of my mission, I wrote a poem that stands as my pledge to all those who have made me who I am. I had always struggled with how I would ever repay all those that had done so much for me until one day I realized the most powerful way to show my gratitude: live a life that honors all that they taught me. With that feeling in my heart, I wrote the following:

Faithful and True

I’ve often thought what I could give

To you who taught me how to live

From parents, leaders, teachers, friends

To God himself, my thanks extends

You taught me courage, strength, and love

As though directly from above

Faith and hope and service too

How to be faithful, how to be true

Your words and actions, my course’s guide

And never failing at my side

You’ve shaped my life that I may be

All that the Lord desires of me

You gave up time and energy

That my mentor you could be

A northern star throughout my life

Ever constant through trouble and strife

How can I repay sacrifice?

When such a gift is without  price,

Then in my heart comes what I could give,

“All my love through the way I live”

And so I promise you my all

To rise and stand even if I fall

To firmly pursue the given course

Making love my driving force

To bless and rescue all in reach

And give to all that me beseech

To do my duty and fulfill my part

That I might gain a shepherd’s heart

To lose my life to save a soul,

Lift a heart, and make one whole

To cast off Satan’s wicked bands

That on earth I can be Christ’s hands

To be a man who gives his life

For the happiness of child and wife

With virtue, kindness, and gentle care

I’ll lead my family through earnest prayer

Yes, I cannot give you gifts of gold

Nor could such things my real love hold

So my gift of thanks to you

Is a life that is faithful, a life that is true

I am so grateful for all the angels in my life who take the shape of parents, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents, friends, coaches, leaders, and teachers. All have made an indelible impression upon my life. Thank you. I promise to honor this pledge to each one of you.

Daily Love

Life is such a great teacher. I am so grateful for the daily struggles it affords us and the things we can learn from the Lord as we allow Him to teach us. I decided to update my blog with excerpts from my journal entries of the last few days. I think they sum up nicely, the things I have been learning.

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October 25, 2011

                I feel like I am drowning. I feel the necessity of staying on top of the water to stay alive, but feel like I don’t have the power to do so. I took my chemistry test today and spent three and a half hours in the testing center battling it out. I feel like I studied decently well, although perhaps perfunctorily. I walked down the stairway of freedom that leads out of the testing center with anticipation of a B or B-. To my chagrin, I saw the figure 69% looming next to my student number. Oh no!  I actually feel okay about it. I tried my best and that is what I got. I am going to learn from it and press forward. I have a strange feeling right now though. I am not motivated. I got home tonight and knew that I had chemistry homework to do and that I had to have it done by 12:00 am. Despite that fact, I all I wanted to do was go get a two for one milkshake at Sammy’s. I tried to persuade Caplin to go with me but to no avail, so I texted Jenny in our ward and took her. I didn’t get home until around 9:00, which still gave me three hours to finish the homework. When I sat down to do it though, I felt like I was staring at the Japanese Book of Mormon for the first time in the MTC—all I saw and read was gibberish. My roommate helped me with a few problems, but he had his own homework to do. I then started to get sleepy, and with no desire to finish the assignment, I succumbed to the impending slumber. The truth is I just don’t care about chemistry. I know that real learners are hungry to learn about whatever there is to learn about, but I just don’t enjoy it and I am not going to hide it. The stark reality though, is that I am in the class and I can’t drop it now. I just don’t get it and the desire to understand it is waning to say the least. I need some guidance and strength that I know the Savior can give me. I can’t do this by myself or by my own strength. I also have questions about grace. We learned that in the strength and power of Christ that we can literally do anything. I truly believe and received a witness that that is true. Without Christ, I can do nothing. I wonder then, if I don’t do very well in chemistry, does that mean that I didn’t rely of the Lord enough? Does it mean that I didn’t do my part? I sometimes get confused about some of these challenging problems.

October 26, 2011

“That’s right, because we would rather fail, than give up.” These are words that really taught me a lot about doing my best no matter what the result was. I heard them from a missionary (Elder Brett Stevenson) whose dad was a mission president in Nagoya Japan and is now a seventy. Elder Packer had come to his mission to tour it and asked him the question,

“If your mission didn’t have one baptism for a whole year, would you give up?”

Elder Stevenson then replied,

 “No, I would not.”

That is when Elder Packer quipped,

“That is right, because we would rather fail than give up.”

I was about to sit down and try and finish up some homework before I went to my next class, when I saw a Book of Mormon sitting on the coffee table. I picked it up and asked for the Lord’s guidance in where I should read. I read a few versus and then the words of Elder Packer came into my mind with great power and love. The Lord re-taught me an important lesson that I learned on my mission: you cannot measure your success solely on the numbers (or grades) your effort produces. I felt the Lord’s love envelop me and I felt, once again, the incredible and tender daily mercy the Lord pours down upon me. I see His loving hand in all that I do and everywhere I go. The Lord blessed me with the motivation I needed to press forward and continue to give my all.

 God answers prayers.

October 28, 2011

                I have already learned much today and have felt God’s love in great measure. I woke up early and studied. I prayed for guidance and understanding when it comes to the trials and experiences I am facing right now. I was led by the Spirit to a talk given by Elder Maxwell about carrying our crosses. I learned that our lives will most likely always be difficult. When I say difficult, I do not mean miserable, but I do mean stretching. If this life is meant to make us like God and His Son, then it better make us stretch and grow because all “have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” If God is going to make me a king and a fellow heir with Christ, then I better be prepared to take on the training involved. It can’t be easy, because I highly doubt that being a God is an easy job. Applying what I have learned to my current situation, I realized that chemistry and all the other classes are supposed to be hard for me. Dating isn’t supposed to be easy all the time. If it was, I would never be able to become the person that God wanted me to become. That is why it is so important to never give up. If we did, God couldn’t help us anymore. As long as we are doing all we can, God will strengthen and teach us. Christ had to wade through more sorrow, pain, anguish, and suffering than anyone before or since. If anyone ever had an excuse to quit, it was Him. Yet, in John we learn that “[Christ] bearing his cross went forth.” Surely He who carried the burden of us all, is willing and able to help us carry our crosses, but we too must press forward doing the best we can. I testify that is the truth.

                I gave a trusted teacher a call today and asked Him some questions about grace that I have been struggling with. I have wondered, “If Christ can do anything, then why do I still fail at times even though I am trying to rely on Him?” I wonder if maybe I am not really relying on Him enough, or if I just need to learn a lesson from Him. From what I learned on my mission, I feel much more inclined to believe the latter of my two inferences. As I talked to this caring mentor, he confirmed my feelings and told me that I have a great light within me and that I needed to put my trust in that light. The Spirit will not allow me to fail or go amiss when I am sincerely trying to do what is right in my life. What kind of father or God would do that? Certainly, not the kind of Father and God I know my Heavenly Father to be. I truly have no reason to ever fret or worry. Worry is a lack of faith and a bitter fruit of doubt.  “Why should this anxious load press down [my] weary mind?” For, I can “haste to my Heavenly Father’s throne and sweet refreshment find. His goodness stands approved, unchanged from day to day.” I will “drop [my] burdens at His feet and bear a song away.” I am worthy and I am clean. God is pleased with my life. He is aware of me and has a great plan for my life. I will do much good in my life. I will accomplish great things. I will be an instrument in God’s hands. I have so much hope for my future because I know that Christ lives! He lives as a resurrected, perfect being; filled with all mercy, compassion, kindness and wisdom. I trust in Him. I am His and He is mine. As long as I know that He lives, I know that all will be well and right in the end.

October 29, 2011

                I realized this morning that I have been being scared to fail lately; but I have learned that it is not bad to fail, as long as you know that you are doing the best that you really can. In those times, God just may have a different plan for you or a different lesson for you to learn. How could we ever learn of Christ’s power to pick us up if we never fell down? Therefore, I hereby relinquish all fear of failing, in the knowledge that if I am doing my best, the Lord will pick me up and teach me from that failure. Truly, “all things work together for good to them that love God.”  

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                Needless to say, I feel Heavenly Father’s love every single day. I know that He is mindful of all that we do and wants to be a part of all that we undertake. I am so imperfect. I fall short every day. Yet, I know that through Christ’s love and power I can do anything. I have learned though, that that doesn’t mean that we will never fail in life; but it does mean that when we fall, we don’t have to let it keep us from getting back up. If we rely on Christ, He will pick us up, brush us off, and set us back on our way to becoming all that we can become.  

My Life Is So Good

Well it seems that I didn’t quite turn out to be the avid blogger some of my supporters thought I might become, but I am grateful for the opportunity to update it today. I was told by a good friend that blogs aren’t supposed to be very long, so I apologize for the length of this entry. I figured though, that I am kind of writing this more for my sake than anyone else’s and although I would be more than happy for anyone to read this, the main purpose in writing this blog has been to help me organize in my mind, some of the lessons that I have learned in the last few months.

 Over the last four months, I have learned so much and have been so happy. Every day, as I walk the tree lined street to and from BYU campus, looking at the beautiful colors of autumn and the majestic mountains of Provo, I think with a smile on my face, “I may possibly be the happiest, most blessed person on the planet!” Since moving up here a few weeks before school started, I have been constantly blessed to be surrounded by great people that lift and inspire me to be better. I feel the same way as I did as a missionary— happy to be alive and confident in God’s love for me and the love He has for each one of His children. I wake up early and fill my day with worth-while things until I lay my head down at night exhausted, but happy. So happy. The best part is that the daily, profound joy I experience in my life is not because my life is perfect, or lacks what to me would be considered trials. It is not an object of happenstance. It is a choice I decide to make everyday. What an extraordinary gift!

My Father in Heaven has taught me so much through the different experiences I have had. I am sure that anyone who has been around me in the last month or so probably thinks I am the most fickle, capricious person they have ever met. It all started with a simple visit with the Biomedical engineering club advisors. As I spoke with them, it was apparent that what I wanted to do in the biomedical field had more of a mechanical base. In that moment, it was as if someone had picked up a nearly completed jig-saw puzzle, which was my life, dropped it, scattered the pieces all over the ground and left them for me to put back together again. I all of a sudden didn’t know if chemical engineering was what I wanted to study. I no longer felt sure about any of the career choices I had considered up to that point. After talking to several people, and some considerable thought, I changed my major to mechanical engineering.  Although I felt better about the change, there was still something missing. I started to ponder and contemplate all the different things I could do for a career, and wondered what my mission in life was supposed to be. During this time, I was constantly seeking out others’ advice, as well as inspiration from Heavenly Father. I knew that He cared about my situation and that He would help me make the right decisions for my future. I felt like a laughing child after he has spun around in circles a hundred times— happy, but no idea where he is heading. One morning, I was studying the Book of Mormon, and started to ponder what I really loved to do. I thought about the times I was happiest in my life and what I was doing during those times. As these thoughts ran through my mind, I realized that I had a passion for teaching people things. I loved teaching, but what was I supposed to teach? I didn’t feel that I had enough passion for any particular secular subject to be able to teach it. That is when I felt the prompting to look into what law school had to offer. I had never considered going to law school before but felt like I should check it out. As I did, I learned that I was going to need to do something that strengthened my reading and writing abilities, which led me to research the English major at BYU. After much prayer and counsel with both Heavenly Father and close friends and family, the answer finally came one morning while I was again studying the scriptures. I felt as if the fog covering my way was lifted and I could now clearly see the path that I should go. I recognized my love of the English language, developed during my mission while learning Japanese, and my incessant desire to become a teacher. I decided to become a college English professor. I felt the Holy Ghost confirm my feelings, and I felt peace about my future career that I hadn’t felt in close to a month. Even now, when I tell people my new found major and hear the invariable laughter that follows, I feel peace about my decision. I want to do something that can influence others for good and help them improve their lives. I realize that that is possible in various, honorable careers and professions, but as I reflect on my blessed life, outside of my parents and family, it was been my inspired, selfless teachers and leaders that have had the greatest influence upon me. I feel like this is my calling in life, and although I don’t get the “oooo’s” and “awww’s” I used to when I told people I was going to be a mechanical engineer, I feel peace and excitement about my future and the good I will be able to do as a devoted teacher. Part of the difficulty I faced in making this decision was my eclectic desire to learn about and be good at everything. I like science and math and felt like if I switched to English, that I would, for some reason, no longer be able to learn about them. I have learned though, that is not true. To ensure that I keep a well-rounded education, I have also decided to join the honors program and graduate with honors. I believe this will cultivate a desire to be educated and learned in many different fields. Despite my desire to learn all that I can in every subject, I do feel that English is where my passion lies. I have already set goals to improve my ability to read and write and am constantly excited about what I can learn next on this newly discovered path.  

                Through this trying, but instructive experience, I have learned anew that God really does care about all that we care about. No matter how small and insignificant we may think it is, if it is important to us, it is important to God. He wants to help us and bless us with all that He can. Once, when working out with my roommate Ryan, I learned a valuable lesson that gave me greater understanding to why the Lord was allowing me to struggle so much with this important life decision. I was spotting Ryan as he was doing bench press. We were trying to lift heavier weight, thus increasing the muscle build of our workout. Many times though, when you do heavier weight, you cannot lift it completely by yourself. This is where the spotter comes in. As a spotter, I like to help just enough so that he is still doing most of the work and therefore getting stronger, but also enough so that he is able to lift the weight. I wouldn’t be helping Ryan become stronger if I just lifted the weight right off of him once he started struggling, but I also would never just let him strain and fail with a load that he couldn’t lift by himself. I realized that Christ is the spotter in my life. He knows that if He just made everything easy for me that I would never grow or become stronger. He will also never leave me alone with my burdens though. Christ will empower me so I can overcome all of my trials. As I am magnified by Christ and His grace, my capacity to lift heavier burdens increases and I take one step closer to becoming like He is.  

                I have also relearned that God always answers our prayers, but that it is most often line upon line, precept upon precept that we receive those answers. Patience is an essential aspect of our faith in Christ that will help us as we wait for needed guidance and direction. Even in my career choice, although I feel an overpowering peace about what I am doing at this time, I know that this could possibly just be one piece of the whole answer that God wants me to have. The important thing is that I know that He will not allow me to walk amiss on my journey to do His will in my life. It is interesting how when God seems to be arbitrarily destroying our “picture-perfect” lives, if we allow Him to hold the brush and make the strokes on our canvas He desires , it actually turns out to be more beautiful and breath-taking than before. God knows what will make us the happiest. We just have to trust in His perfect will and timing to see the masterpiece He will make out of our lives.

“You can do anything you put your mind to!”

                I have heard those words ever since I was a little child. It hasn’t been until I have grown older and gained a personal witness that I am a child of God though, that I have really believed them. I know that through the strengthening power of Christ’s atonement that I can truly do anything. As Marianne Williamson taught, we have a light within us that we were born to shine. That light is the Light of Christ. We are not the light, but we are bearers of it. As we let that light within us shine, we give glory to God. Because God loves us and we are His children, we can have hope for a bright and happy future. I do not fear the future. Although wars may rage and economic depressions may spread, I feel only hope for a glorious, successful life with a loving family in a home filled with peace and joy. That hope is Jesus Christ. I know that He is the Light and Hope of this world and that as we put our trust in Him, we will never abide in darkness. Happiness is a choice, not a fruit of our circumstance. I testify that true and lasting happiness lies in the Savior of the world. This testimony has been the steadying influence in my life. I know that no matter what the world may say, or how precarious the way may become, that all our afflictions may be swallowed up in the joy of Christ.    

Victory

Before my King, and on one knee

He lays his hands upon my head

His sacred power He invests in me

To fight for souls both quick and dead

I humbly rise before my King

And march to battle with the foe

My loving praises I will sing

Because with me He boldly goes

My commission as His knight

To rescue every precious soul

Causes devotion to the right

And lends me help to fill my role

Before the battle to Him I vow,

“Every command will I keep”

That greater  strength  may be endowed,

He gives me orders: “Feed my sheep”

Though when marching through the gate

My head was high, I did stand tall

Now in darkness, it grows late

I am wounded and I’ve fall’n

Bleak is the battle, weary my heart

When my Captain comes to me

He beckons me to do my part

That His salvation I may see

So rising with love and desire

Forgetting not His loving eyes

I lead the hosts in songs of fire

“Onward soldiers, for the Christ”

Amidst the battle, dark and fierce

I trail my Captain into the night

And through His love, the dark He pierced

Gives its place to glorious light

So losing self, I charge the foe

Guiding others to the light of day

I raise the hands that do hang low

I strengthen the knees that might give way

The ranks move forward, the darkness flees

Through our King the victory’s won

And thus shall every battle be

If we but follow the shining Son

Written By: Jamie Panganiban

Returned Missionary

"Blogging? No way, not for me! Only weird people blog."

That is kind of what I thought when I got home four months ago and Joanie suggested that I start a blog. I was a little quick to judge and hope all other boggers will forgive me for my rash judgements. haha. So I am not sure of the rules about what I am supposed to write and what I am not supposed to write, but I just figure I would write about the experiences of my life and the lessons the Lord is teaching me through them all. I am hoping that only those close to me will be reading this, since I am not a believer in getting to know people over the internet, through Facebook stalking, and/or via texting. ha I also apologize if my grammar or writing style is goofy:)

So the stories are true. Coming home from a two year mission is hard. Two years of thinking about other people and then all of a sudden you are forced to think about "my education, my dating prospects, my job, my future, my this and my that." As I think about these things, I start to feel guilty because inside, I know that true happiness lies in looking outside yourself to bless others. It is also true that hardly anything goes according to the picture-perfect plans you formulated in your mind as a seasoned, hopeful missionary. All the non-member friends and family you were planning on converting, all the girls that were going to be lining up to date you, and all of the White Handbook rules and curfews you were going to keep for the rest of your life all seem to have gone out the window and again, you feel guilty for not measuring up to your own preconceived standards.

The funny thing is, that when I first got home, things were great. I had a pretty girl interested in me, a job lined up in Provo, and admission to a great university. It seemed that my post-missionary blues syndrome would strike until later. Once I got up to Provo, however, that false sense of security melted like a Popsicle left out in the St. George sun. First, the girl I thought I was going to date, didn't quite work out and now after getting together and breaking up 943(give or take haha) times, a move down to St. George, and some considerable heartache, we have unfortunately ended things for good. Alex is one of the best friends I have ever had and is an amazing person. I truly pray that she gets everything she desires in her life. She has taught me a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship. School was great! Very challenging, and I like it. BYU has a great atmosphere for learning and growing. My job on the other hand, was not exactly what I was expecting to say the least. I actually enjoyed the job itself. I was able to use Japanese and it was chill enough to do my homework most of the time. The problem was that I was forced to work from 4-10 pm every day, thereby eliminating any chance for a social life. It also made it hard to to fulfill my calling as a FHE group leader and home teacher. It wasn't that I felt overwhelmed, as much as that I felt too unbalanced. I believe in working hard and in getting things done, but I have also learned that without an appropriate balance between work and play, life isn't how it is supposed to be. This once again caused that nagging, little ache in my soul called guilt.

I have felt something through all of this though. It has been constant and sure as I have dealt with girlfriends, dating, and breakups; uncertainty about  careers, degrees, and grades; and stress about paychecks, up-sales, and getting someone to cover my shift on Friday night so I can escape from the desolate, social wasteland of my life in Provo to a loving family and welcoming friends in St. George. That one feeling is that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and that they have a wondrous and glorious future prepared for me despite the uncertainty of the present. That although I am not a perfect home teacher and although I don't have a girlfriend, and although I haven't figured out how to be "exactly obedient" to all of the White Handbook rules outside of the mission yet, and that is the key word: yet, if I trust in them, find joy in the journey, and keep trying my best to improve my life to be more like the Savior's, Christ will take my weaknesses, guilt,heartaches and turn them into strengths, peace, and magnificent joy. I know that with all my heart. I know God understands us and is merciful and kind and wants us to be successful and happy and will provide a way for us to be so if we just take whatever comes into our life and love it. Not because it's hard, but because we know God lives and loves us and because we have a choice in our happiness. God doesn't care that we are not perfect yet, He just cares that we are striving for that perfection. I know that through Christ's merciful grace, we will one day be able to become like Him. We can daily use the power of His atonement and allow Him to shape our lives into something beautiful. There is so much in life to be grateful for. Life is sometimes hard, but it can always be good. Because of that incredible, sure doctrine there is still hope for all of the returned missionaries like me who didn't even come close to becoming perfect on their missions.